change of heart

over the past 6 months or so, maybe even longer, God has been prompting me to make some changes, to re-evaluate some things, including, are there any things that i'm holding on to much too tightly. surrender, i guess, has been the real topic. i have all these things that i want for my life, but are they the things that God wants for me still, or even if they are, am i seeking to follow His timing? or am i working too hard to plan them out for myself?

my pretty consistent prayer for the past couple of months has been that God would change my heart. i want to desire the things that He does for my life, not the things the world tells me, or the things i'm holding on to. so, i was pretty excited lately to see and feel like He has been making those changes in me.

if you've ever spent any time having serious convos with me, or possibly even just read my blog, then you probably already know what i'm about to say. if i had a crystal ball and could peek into my future, in this life, the two things i would most hope to see is my chance to be a wife and a mom, and to opportunity to serve in full time vocational ministry, most likely with campus crusade for Christ.

i've always wanted to get married and have kids. but, it wasn't until college that my heart changed and i suddenly desired more than just to get married and have a family because it seemed like the thing to do. it became my biggest desire to hopefully, if God allows, someday only be a wife and a mom. i say only, as if it's not a big task...when in reality, i know, it will be the most rewarding and toughest job i'll ever have. i guess i just realized that i didn't feel called or excited really about much other than that. i'm certain this was God changing my desires....and the plans i'd been making for myself.

it was also in college that God began to fine tune and whittle down my desire to be in ministry without really knowing where or what. i was privileged to get to be apart of and serve in campus crusade for Christ. through my bible study, special events and trips, and even the large group meeting, i not only met some of my very best friends, but i also saw an organization that i really wanted to be apart of. even since leaving college, God has continued to confirm for me that i would love to serve in crusade as more than just a student. i would love to serve as a full-time job.

now both of these things i want, but if i'm being honest with myself...and whoever is reading this...i've probably always just wanted to be a wife and a mom more. i definitely wish for both, but if it came down to only choosing one, hands down, i'm sure i would have picked the family thing, no questions asked.

i was randomly thinking over these things while getting ready one morning. i had been talking a lot lately with mallory and a couple of others about joining staff with crusade, what that would look like and when it would happen. and of course, because i'm a girl, i'd also been asked and discussed with a few friends about any prospects in my life. while processing all of this, i had this sudden thought "well i don't want to get married before i have the chance to join staff with crusade". it was like my mind did a double take, as soon as i this thought crossed my mind! old me, the one holding on so tightly to the way i thought things should happen, would have never had that thought. but, i really feel like...or know...that it was God showing me how He has begun to change my heart! and that is so exciting to me!

i still desire to be a wife and a mom some day, and i fully believe that its a desire God has given me. but, i think He is helping me understand and see even more, His timing is perfect. a family would be a great gift, but so is my singleness. and He has so many ways that He could and wants to use me as a single person too. it just requires me letting go of all my plans and allowing Him to keep changing my heart. i can't wait to see what comes next :)

everything i need

when every step is so hard to take

and all of my hope is fading away

when life is a mountain that i can not climb

You carry me, Jesus carry me.

spring fever

drift off to dream

*lets hold hands on the porch swing, under the moon
while the wind through the willows plays us a tune.
we can lie on a blanket, out back in the yard
and wish for our future on a far away star*

just downloaded this song today - it's always always always been one of my favs.

currently listening to it on repeat...and probably for a good part of today :)

i like it

"President Reagan said, “We must reject the idea that every time a law’s broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.” Acts of monstrous criminality stand on their own. They begin and end with the criminals who commit them, not collectively with all the citizens of a state, not with those who listen to talk radio, not with maps of swing districts used by both sides of the aisle, not with law-abiding citizens who respectfully exercise their First Amendment rights at campaign rallies, not with those who proudly voted in the last election....If you don’t like a person’s vision for the country, you’re free to debate that vision. If you don’t like their ideas, you’re free to propose better ideas. But, especially within hours of a tragedy unfolding, journalists and pundits should not manufacture a blood libel that serves only to incite the very hatred and violence they purport to condemn. That is reprehensible. There are those who claim political rhetoric is to blame for the despicable act of this deranged, apparently apolitical criminal. And they claim political debate has somehow gotten more heated just recently. But when was it less heated? Back in those “calm days” when political figures literally settled their differences with dueling pistols? In an ideal world all discourse would be civil and all disagreements cordial. But our Founding Fathers knew they weren't designing a system for perfect men and women. If men and women were angels, there would be no need for government."

-Sarah Palin

more blah blah blah

christmas was wonderful - i love spending time with my family...andddd having 3 full days to do absolutely nothing :)

i do not love way outspending on christmas presents.

the ability to watch movies instantly on your computer is a brilliant idea - thank you netflix!

something about getting my hands dirty while baking makes me really happy :)

i just haven't felt like blogging lately

this week, i had my first real nightmare in years :( not.fun.at.all.

spending new years eve in greensboro - so excited to hang out with some great friends :)

use the link below to support my friends adoption and get a sweet t-shirt!

http://zachandlaura.blogspot.com/2010/11/free-gift-for-youkinda.html

blah blah blah

a HUGE thank you!

i have fantastic friends! last night, in the freezing cold, we moved almost all my stuff from my old apartment to the new one. they didn't have to do it, but they did...and i could not have done it without them! in fact, i'm not sure how i have ever moved without their help!

soooooooo THANK YOU....

shelley beckylee jenny david matt rob jon jack josh

and, my family!

:)

nowwww, who wants to volunteer to help me unpack? :P

why do i vote?

this explanation comes a few days late, but just something that's played over in my mind a lot this past week. why exactly do i vote? i mean sure, i want my "voice to be heard" and all...but it is definitely easy to think that one vote really wont make a difference. that statement could, or couldn't be true. but, even more than wanting a say in who it is that leads my country, my county, and the schools my future children may or may not attend...i vote because i can. God allowed me to live in the United States of America. i have been given a lot of rights and freedoms that people in many other places don't have. and one of those, a big one, is the right to help choose who my leaders are. its a simple reason really, but also so big. i'm blessed to live in a place like this where i can vote. so i guess really, a better question, is why wouldn't i vote?

you may or may not know that

*i used to say i hate raleigh. i've realized now that i don't hate raleigh, there's just very few important things here that make me want to stay*my new car is the first automatic car i've had in 10 years *googling pickup lines is a fun and acceptable way to waste time* my goal for this next year, or even the next month before i move, is to get rid of lots of clothes and organize the rest* i'd much rather drink out of a plastic cup than a glass one*i've lived in north carolina my whole life, but i've never been to charlotte*chace crawford is hands down the most attractive guy i've ever seen*my favorite toy growing up was a stuffed lion named leo. i slept with him until after i graduated college and my dog chewed him up. now i store him in a box*social situations that should be normal and the most comfortable for me can sometimes make me feel so incredibly awkward and nervous* usually, i play songs on repeat - not like 2 or 3 times, but for an entire day* i could people watch for hours at a time. it's part of why i love big cities and places like the state fair so much* i hate having all white walls in my house. i also hate painting* crime shows are one of my favorites. but the fact that the cases are always solved in only a day is so irritating to me*last night was my first time going to franklin street for the halloween experience* if i could only have 2 guests at my wedding someday, it'd be my papap and grandma*the allstate mayhem commercials are some of my favs* i like my pop tarts slightly burned. sometimes, i also like my popcorn this way* orchids are my favorite flower* i have to sleep with the covers tucked under my feet, not into the bed*rarely do i branch out and try new foods. especially any foods that couldn't be described as "plain" *it's not time for a new dog yet, but when it is, i really just want another boxer* i hate being vulnerable. the older i get, the more this is the case* there are only a handful of people in my life that i always feel 100% free to be myself around*thunderstorms terrify me. like a hide in the hallway and sleep on the floor type of fear* often, when i'm frustrated with something, i'll make this weird grunting noise* i'm currently keeping up with 10 tv shows. ptl for hulu!*brown eyes are my favorite*