the reason for the world

i love this song.  i feel like everything that it's about, all that it is saying, is exactly like what i've been dealing with and processing in my own life, over the past year to year and a half.  i even blogged about it a few months ago here.  one tough thing would happen, my heart would start to heal...and then it just seemed as if the next tough thing would immediately arise.

it's safe to say, summer was a breaking point for me.  i'd had enough hurt and hard stuff and one last trial just sent me over the edge.  probably the lowest point emotionally that i've been in my adult life.  but, God was working and teaching me and growing me SO MUCH through all of it.  

it's funny that summer was so difficult for me, but multiple times in the fall and winter i've found myself wishing to feel like i did in summer.  not because i enjoy the hard stuff - it was not fun at all.  and its also not because of wishing for fun days at the beach or evenings with great friends (though all of those i am looking forward to :P)  i've missed summer because though it was incredibly, emotionally draining, it was also the most dependent i've ever been on God.  and the freedom and hope and joy that came with that were beyond words.  

losing the comfortable and stable things in my life made me long for my heavenly home like i never have before.  i wish i didn't need the trials in my life to fully rely on God and not try to do things on my own.  i wish i was always walking with Jesus, the way i was this summer.  i'd love to say i never get caught up in the things of this world.  but i am thankful for the hard things and the way they point me to Jesus.  and i'm praying that He keeps reminding me that this world is not my home...even if that means more heartaches.  

in honor of valentines day

valentine's day is my favorite holiday. if you ask me why, i really can't explain...i just love it. always have, probably always will. EVEN if i had just been dumped, i would still love it. weird i know - its just who i am :P i also love those cheesy and totally predictable movies, better known as "chick-flicks"

so, in honor of valentines day - here's 5 of my favorites :)

1) while you were sleeping

2) never been kissed

3) pride and prejudice (the one with keira knightley)

4) the wedding date

5) 27 dresses

and just because it's valentines day...5 of my favorite lovey dovey songs :)

1) drift off to dream by travis tritt

2) i wanna grow old with you by adam sandler

3) you by rascal flatts

4) jump then fall by taylor swift

5) look at me by carrie underwood

obviously, because i'm such a sap this doesn't include nearly all of them...i don't think there's enough time, or i have enough brain power to try and condense all the love songs and movies i'd consider a "favorite" :)

change of heart

over the past 6 months or so, maybe even longer, God has been prompting me to make some changes, to re-evaluate some things, including, are there any things that i'm holding on to much too tightly. surrender, i guess, has been the real topic. i have all these things that i want for my life, but are they the things that God wants for me still, or even if they are, am i seeking to follow His timing? or am i working too hard to plan them out for myself?

my pretty consistent prayer for the past couple of months has been that God would change my heart. i want to desire the things that He does for my life, not the things the world tells me, or the things i'm holding on to. so, i was pretty excited lately to see and feel like He has been making those changes in me.

if you've ever spent any time having serious convos with me, or possibly even just read my blog, then you probably already know what i'm about to say. if i had a crystal ball and could peek into my future, in this life, the two things i would most hope to see is my chance to be a wife and a mom, and to opportunity to serve in full time vocational ministry, most likely with campus crusade for Christ.

i've always wanted to get married and have kids. but, it wasn't until college that my heart changed and i suddenly desired more than just to get married and have a family because it seemed like the thing to do. it became my biggest desire to hopefully, if God allows, someday only be a wife and a mom. i say only, as if it's not a big task...when in reality, i know, it will be the most rewarding and toughest job i'll ever have. i guess i just realized that i didn't feel called or excited really about much other than that. i'm certain this was God changing my desires....and the plans i'd been making for myself.

it was also in college that God began to fine tune and whittle down my desire to be in ministry without really knowing where or what. i was privileged to get to be apart of and serve in campus crusade for Christ. through my bible study, special events and trips, and even the large group meeting, i not only met some of my very best friends, but i also saw an organization that i really wanted to be apart of. even since leaving college, God has continued to confirm for me that i would love to serve in crusade as more than just a student. i would love to serve as a full-time job.

now both of these things i want, but if i'm being honest with myself...and whoever is reading this...i've probably always just wanted to be a wife and a mom more. i definitely wish for both, but if it came down to only choosing one, hands down, i'm sure i would have picked the family thing, no questions asked.

i was randomly thinking over these things while getting ready one morning. i had been talking a lot lately with mallory and a couple of others about joining staff with crusade, what that would look like and when it would happen. and of course, because i'm a girl, i'd also been asked and discussed with a few friends about any prospects in my life. while processing all of this, i had this sudden thought "well i don't want to get married before i have the chance to join staff with crusade". it was like my mind did a double take, as soon as i this thought crossed my mind! old me, the one holding on so tightly to the way i thought things should happen, would have never had that thought. but, i really feel like...or know...that it was God showing me how He has begun to change my heart! and that is so exciting to me!

i still desire to be a wife and a mom some day, and i fully believe that its a desire God has given me. but, i think He is helping me understand and see even more, His timing is perfect. a family would be a great gift, but so is my singleness. and He has so many ways that He could and wants to use me as a single person too. it just requires me letting go of all my plans and allowing Him to keep changing my heart. i can't wait to see what comes next :)

everything i need

when every step is so hard to take

and all of my hope is fading away

when life is a mountain that i can not climb

You carry me, Jesus carry me.

spring fever

drift off to dream

*lets hold hands on the porch swing, under the moon
while the wind through the willows plays us a tune.
we can lie on a blanket, out back in the yard
and wish for our future on a far away star*

just downloaded this song today - it's always always always been one of my favs.

currently listening to it on repeat...and probably for a good part of today :)

i like it

"President Reagan said, “We must reject the idea that every time a law’s broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.” Acts of monstrous criminality stand on their own. They begin and end with the criminals who commit them, not collectively with all the citizens of a state, not with those who listen to talk radio, not with maps of swing districts used by both sides of the aisle, not with law-abiding citizens who respectfully exercise their First Amendment rights at campaign rallies, not with those who proudly voted in the last election....If you don’t like a person’s vision for the country, you’re free to debate that vision. If you don’t like their ideas, you’re free to propose better ideas. But, especially within hours of a tragedy unfolding, journalists and pundits should not manufacture a blood libel that serves only to incite the very hatred and violence they purport to condemn. That is reprehensible. There are those who claim political rhetoric is to blame for the despicable act of this deranged, apparently apolitical criminal. And they claim political debate has somehow gotten more heated just recently. But when was it less heated? Back in those “calm days” when political figures literally settled their differences with dueling pistols? In an ideal world all discourse would be civil and all disagreements cordial. But our Founding Fathers knew they weren't designing a system for perfect men and women. If men and women were angels, there would be no need for government."

-Sarah Palin

more blah blah blah

christmas was wonderful - i love spending time with my family...andddd having 3 full days to do absolutely nothing :)

i do not love way outspending on christmas presents.

the ability to watch movies instantly on your computer is a brilliant idea - thank you netflix!

something about getting my hands dirty while baking makes me really happy :)

i just haven't felt like blogging lately

this week, i had my first real nightmare in years :( not.fun.at.all.

spending new years eve in greensboro - so excited to hang out with some great friends :)

use the link below to support my friends adoption and get a sweet t-shirt!

http://zachandlaura.blogspot.com/2010/11/free-gift-for-youkinda.html

blah blah blah

a HUGE thank you!

i have fantastic friends! last night, in the freezing cold, we moved almost all my stuff from my old apartment to the new one. they didn't have to do it, but they did...and i could not have done it without them! in fact, i'm not sure how i have ever moved without their help!

soooooooo THANK YOU....

shelley beckylee jenny david matt rob jon jack josh

and, my family!

:)

nowwww, who wants to volunteer to help me unpack? :P