i'm not at home

There are so many things I want and desire to have in this life. I want great friends and a good job. I want to be a wife and a mom. And of course, as much as I love dogs, I want a cute little pup to go with my sweet little family. I wish for all decisions to be easy and that there was never any hurt. I want a life of comfort and ease, and I'd venture to say that I'm not alone in this feeling.

Lately though, I've felt like life was anything but comfortable and easy. I've felt hurt and lost and broken. I've been confused and angry and sad. Friendships and relationships have changed. My job has changed. I even had to say goodbye to my dog. (That might not be a big deal to some - but for me it was huge). I've battled bitterness and discontentment. I've tried to understand the purpose of so much change and loss. And, as best as I could, I've put on my happy face, and tried to act okay, to be okay, in the midst of having so many "comfortable" things in my life taken away or altered.

Just a few weeks ago, it hit me all at once, just how much I felt like I'd had to give up in only about half a years time. Why was so much hurt necessary? I just wanted to understand. The only conclusion I could come up with was that God had to be preparing me for something. What other reason would He have to allow so many big things in my life to be modified so much or even removed? Surely He was trying to get my attention, shake me up, getting ready to hopefully use me big time!

I still think God wants to use me and that is exciting; the truth is, He wants to use all of us if we are just willing. But now, I think there's more reminding and teaching that He has been trying to do than just that. Could it be that I've gotten so caught up in the things of this world, that He wants to remind me that this world, and all the things it has to offer, are not home. My mom was the first to suggest this, and my study of the Word lately has only seemed to confirm it even more.

I've semi camped-out in parts of Luke 12 over the past week.

*Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also*
vs. 33-34

Now I know these verses are probably talking more about actual physical possessions. A house, a car, money, etc. But, I do think our treasures in this life, at least for me, can be so much more than just physical possessions. It's no secret that the dictionary website is one of my favs! So, of course I looked up the definition for treasure. One of it's listed meanings is "something of great worth or value; also: a person esteemed as rare or precious." So, if I'm going with that definition of treasure, then each of the things in my life I feel like I've lost or has significantly changed could fall under the category of "treasures".

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's awful of me to want a job that I enjoy, or a godly husband, family, and best friends. In fact, I think God has given me those desires. But, I'd say the problem comes in when I get so comfortable with those things, and begin to desire them, and the things of this world, more than my Heavenly Father and my eternal home. I've forgotten why I'm here, like is so easy to do, and placed my hope and value in things that will fade away. And losing them has been painful. But, it's also caused me to rely only on Jesus. It's made me long to know Jesus better, and the effect has left me yearning for my home with Him more than I ever have before.

*Be dressed and ready for service and keep your lamps burning like men waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him....It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the second or third watch of the night*
vs 35-36, 38

As a servant of Jesus, I need to be ready and watchful at all times. I should be focusing on the opportunities Christ gives me to serve Him here on this earth, and watchful and hopeful for His return. But if I'm storing up treasures on earth, instead of in heaven, how easy will it be for me to miss chances to serve while living in this world? And, how often will I be sidetracked by the shifting things this world has to offer, instead of the unchanging gifts and everlasting hope I find in Christ?

The desires of my heart haven't changed at all. I still want a family of my own someday, wonderful friends, to work in a job that I love. But, this time of pain and growth in my life has allowed me to see that these things are just temporary and will never truly satisfy. My hearts real longing is for Jesus and I shouldn't get too comfortable here. Such an easy place for me to slip-up, such a hard lesson to learn, and one I'm sure God is not done teaching me. In spite of the heartache and confusion though, I'm so thankful for the growth it has fostered in my life. I want to keep seeking Jesus and desiring my home with Him. He is my real treasure and I want to live my life so others can see that in me.