change of heart

over the past 6 months or so, maybe even longer, God has been prompting me to make some changes, to re-evaluate some things, including, are there any things that i'm holding on to much too tightly. surrender, i guess, has been the real topic. i have all these things that i want for my life, but are they the things that God wants for me still, or even if they are, am i seeking to follow His timing? or am i working too hard to plan them out for myself?

my pretty consistent prayer for the past couple of months has been that God would change my heart. i want to desire the things that He does for my life, not the things the world tells me, or the things i'm holding on to. so, i was pretty excited lately to see and feel like He has been making those changes in me.

if you've ever spent any time having serious convos with me, or possibly even just read my blog, then you probably already know what i'm about to say. if i had a crystal ball and could peek into my future, in this life, the two things i would most hope to see is my chance to be a wife and a mom, and to opportunity to serve in full time vocational ministry, most likely with campus crusade for Christ.

i've always wanted to get married and have kids. but, it wasn't until college that my heart changed and i suddenly desired more than just to get married and have a family because it seemed like the thing to do. it became my biggest desire to hopefully, if God allows, someday only be a wife and a mom. i say only, as if it's not a big task...when in reality, i know, it will be the most rewarding and toughest job i'll ever have. i guess i just realized that i didn't feel called or excited really about much other than that. i'm certain this was God changing my desires....and the plans i'd been making for myself.

it was also in college that God began to fine tune and whittle down my desire to be in ministry without really knowing where or what. i was privileged to get to be apart of and serve in campus crusade for Christ. through my bible study, special events and trips, and even the large group meeting, i not only met some of my very best friends, but i also saw an organization that i really wanted to be apart of. even since leaving college, God has continued to confirm for me that i would love to serve in crusade as more than just a student. i would love to serve as a full-time job.

now both of these things i want, but if i'm being honest with myself...and whoever is reading this...i've probably always just wanted to be a wife and a mom more. i definitely wish for both, but if it came down to only choosing one, hands down, i'm sure i would have picked the family thing, no questions asked.

i was randomly thinking over these things while getting ready one morning. i had been talking a lot lately with mallory and a couple of others about joining staff with crusade, what that would look like and when it would happen. and of course, because i'm a girl, i'd also been asked and discussed with a few friends about any prospects in my life. while processing all of this, i had this sudden thought "well i don't want to get married before i have the chance to join staff with crusade". it was like my mind did a double take, as soon as i this thought crossed my mind! old me, the one holding on so tightly to the way i thought things should happen, would have never had that thought. but, i really feel like...or know...that it was God showing me how He has begun to change my heart! and that is so exciting to me!

i still desire to be a wife and a mom some day, and i fully believe that its a desire God has given me. but, i think He is helping me understand and see even more, His timing is perfect. a family would be a great gift, but so is my singleness. and He has so many ways that He could and wants to use me as a single person too. it just requires me letting go of all my plans and allowing Him to keep changing my heart. i can't wait to see what comes next :)